Rich On Work: Responsibility And Meaning, Human Capacity, Kindergarten Soccer, and Bathroom Breaks For Lawyers In NYC

Chinatown, NYC. Lots of workers out there.

Hey Penny,

I was going to write an eloquent post about the nature of work, it’s philosophical basis, the various ways of looking at it, and so on, followed by a blurb about my own current work situation. But alas, my own current work situation leaves me with little time to organize an eloquent post. So, I’m going to wing this at the real world level, like our old-fashioned emails (which is how this blog got started), and ramble, making philosophical comments as I go along.

PROFESSIONAL SELF-AWARENESS AT AGE 42

Work has taken an interesting turn, and I’m busier than ever. Where to start?

I’ll start by mentioning that I’m in a leadership program — a formal course, run internally at the company, stretching over several months and designed to prepare me for executive-level work. It’s a lot about being self aware and learning how to deal with yourself and others from a leadership position. I was observed in a “leadership lab” for several hours and the observers — mostly psychologists and leadership consultants — gave me specific feedback on how I was performing. Additionally I’m getting executive coaching, as well as participating in a group where I talk about leadership challenges with peers in the course.

The whole thing is quite involved.

At first I wasn’t sure how the leadership course would go. I was kind of lost on how to apply it, because I was in the process of looking for a new position within the company. I wasn’t sure of my place. Well, I found a new position — more on that later — but even before that I found the course to be extremely beneficial. I’ve learned a lot about myself and, just as importantly, I’ve learned how to view myself as a genuine leader, not just someone trying to lead, if that makes sense.

I’m 42 years old, and people my age are running large companies. I’ve always had self-confidence, but at the same time, it’s easy to look around and see others who are more influential and more professional. I’m not talking about jealousy or envy, I’m talking about self-regard and getting past the infamous “impostor syndrome.” The reality, I’ve learned, is that I’m just as professional as many of those I consider successful, and I have been for a while. I can embrace my own career reality.

This is not to say I can’t improve — I have LOADS of room to improve. But I don’t need to be full of doubt.

BECOMING COMFORTABLE WITH DISCOMFORT

Realizing this, internally, is a personal game changer, in a couple ways. First, I’m more comfortable in situations that might otherwise be intimidating. Second, I realize that however comfortable others look, they’ve had to overcome their own insecurities too. Have you ever been to a party or an event where you thought, why am I the most nervous one here? Do I belong here? Well, probably everyone is just as  nervous and uncertain. This is all human nature and a trick our brains play on us. Once we realize this, we can take some control over our own brains and overcome these hurdles.

As I said, I just started a new position in our company.  I interviewed and I was nervous. Quite nervous. I had interviewed for a different position and didn’t get that job, so I was nervous that I’d be rejected twice in succession.

After the interview, I took a long walk because I had no idea how it went. Interviews, for the most part, stink. The awkward introductions. The delicate dance of being confident but not overconfident, comfortable but not cocky, smart but not a know-it-all. Waiting for an answer. Interviews stink.

Surprisingly, I got the job! I’m not sure if it was my interview or my connections or the suit I was wearing … and I don’t care. I got it. It was probably the suit, the J. Crew Ludlow. [Note: People should never discount the value of looking professional at work. Dressing well has helped me advance since I was a waiter. I know a guy who was baffled at not getting a certain job, and yet he adamantly resisted dressing well. It’s like trying out for basketball with cowboy boots on — it just doesn’t work.]

Funny how career paths develop sometimes. I’m now very glad I didn’t get the first job I interviewed for, because the position I ended up with is much better. One can never predict these twist and turns, and I’m sure I would’ve adjusted to a different outcome. In some ways that’s the whole point of having decent self-awareness — to realize that no matter what you are doing, you are the same person with the same qualities.

Attaining a particular job or role does not change who you are, essentially.

RESPONSIBILITY, KINDERGARTEN SOCCER, AND HUMAN CAPACITY

So what’s the point of reaching for new or challenging roles, you might ask? You are who you are, right?

I’d say … not exactly. Being self-aware of who you are at any given time is not the end of the story. When you see who you are clearly, you want opportunities that match your abilities. And if you have drive or ambition, you want opportunities that exceed and stretch your abilities.

We are always changing, evolving, growing or regressing. Attaining a new role or taking on a new responsibility is an opportunity to first be who you are and then to become who you want to be, or who you could be, by using and growing and stretching your capacities. In other words, roles can help you change. Potentially, to become a better self.

I think you’re a Jordan Peterson fan, Penny, and he talks a lot about how people find meaning in life (here’s one snippet). One of his basic conclusions is that people gain meaning by taking on responsibilities. By taking on a responsibility, you then have an obligation to do something, and by doing that something, whatever it is, you find satisfaction and meaning.

Example: I am coaching Kindergarten Soccer. I signed up, initially, on a whim. The league was desperate for coaches. At first I questioned this move — I was adding something to an already busy schedule, it messes up my Friday evenings, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I still don’t know what I’m doing. But I can see that Peterson is right. Taking on the responsibility to these kids and their parents brings me satisfaction, another sliver of meaning, and a nudge to personal growth. Paradoxically, it gives me more energy rather than less. And it makes me a more interesting and well rounded person. It opens the door to a new community of people, which may or may not result in friendships but I’d never know if I hadn’t signed up.

Coaching soccer is a relatively small obligation. The point is, anything can be a meaningful obligation. The trick is to try things, find out what works, find that set of responsibilities that gives life meaning. According to Peterson, no one is as miserable as the person who has no responsibilities and nothing to do.

For a lot of people, the standard responsibilities that drive them are work and family. Rightfully so. Even though people often complain about these responsibilities day to day, there’s a lot of evidence that their absence would create personal nihilism. People become sled dogs without a sled to pull.

THE NATURE OF A CAREER: LAW AND ORDER WITH BATHROOM BREAKS

Anyway, back to my new position at work. It is close to a dream job at this stage in my career. Interesting work, more responsibility, professional recognition, and it could potentially lead to more cool opportunities down the road, if I do well. It’s also demanding, difficult, and my head is spinning because of the learning curve.

This is the nature of career advancement. Success is great, but success often leads to bigger challenges. A person needs to decide if bigger challenges are interesting to them. We all have our limits, and it’s part of the journey to figure out what our personal capacity is. What’s the right level of personal and professional balance so that one can experience flow (competent enjoyment of a challenging activity) and also experience health and sanity?

Sometimes I think about TV shows featuring high performing professionals. Generally they are cops or doctors or lawyers who are smart and savvy. It’s usually an intense, difficult profession that requires commitment and expertise. There are always exciting situations, because it’s TV. Being a District Attorney in NYC looks amazing on Law and Order. On TV, there’s dramatic music and deep, interesting conversations with mood lighting. Why are these shows interesting? One of the reasons, I think, is because characters on these shows are showing the limits of human capacity, the weight of responsibility that humans can take on. We root for them to do well even at personal cost.

Can I get some dramatic music to go with working late?

In real life, being a DA in NYC is a long career road (law school, starting out low on the totem pole, etc). And then the job itself, which is a big career achievement, is probably stressful and difficult much of the time. Even boring. In real life, there are bathroom breaks, days off to care for sick kids, dry cleaning, bad cafeteria food, and cramped offices.

Fiction is not reality, of course, but art can imitate life. An interesting exercise is to look at your life as if it were a story, with you as the main character. Would the story be interesting? Would you be rooting for the main character to fully reach his/her potential? Or would you want the character to spend 3 hours a day on Facebook and Netflix?

When I look at my story, I like the direction of the main character and the overall cast of characters, in broad strokes — leaving out the parts about bathroom breaks.

MY SCHEDULE, RIGHT NOW

Here’s a typical day for me now:

Continue reading “Rich On Work: Responsibility And Meaning, Human Capacity, Kindergarten Soccer, and Bathroom Breaks For Lawyers In NYC”

Rich Ruminates On The Benefits Of Being Uncomfortable. Can Imperfect Systems Help Build Resilience And Confidence?

I’d say he’s comfortable.

Hey Penny,

I appreciate your last post — it gave me a bunch of food for thought. This is exactly the sort of conversation we used to have over email, so I’m happy to reply on the blog. For those just catching up, here are the first 2 installments of this conversation:

If I could sum up the main emotional thrust of my initial post, it’d be something like: “My family is in the middle of a huge, tumultuous transition right now that involves money, work, life, school — is this really the good life??”

My answer to my own question, in that post, was The Good Life Is Not About Perfect Comfort.

Your answer, if I read your post correctly, is basically: Screw that! Get out of the rat race, ditch that prison school for a place your kids can thrive, and don’t knock Craigslist.

Again, this really made me think, so thank you. I’m going to try to unpack my original thought a bit more, with updated thinking based on the past week or so.

ON RETIRING EARLIER VS. FINDING FLOW AT WORK

As I said, I understand the desire to retire as early as possible. The transition back to work in the US from overseas hasn’t been all high fives and pizza parties. So why don’t I try to retire earlier?

I won’t spend much time on the practical aspect of this, but the practical side is quite complicated. I’d need to shuffle accounts, reset priorities, move again, etc, etc. It’s all possible I’m sure, if we were really committed. Maybe I could retire at 50 instead of 55. Maybe. For 5 years of … what again?

The more important aspect of this is philosophical. As I’ve spelled out in several posts, especially my Philosophy Of Money and the Meaning of Life, personal growth and meeting my potential and the value of work are all real priorities for me.

Even though work has been a bit of a grind lately, I recently had some days that were fully engaging. There’s nothing quite like the feeling that I’m doing good work on interesting topics with other professional people I like and respect. There’s nothing quite like that feeling of FLOW: “the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity.” (Wikipedia)

What I’m getting at is that there’s a positive side to this, and sometimes the positive side only comes after a period of difficulty. I don’t want my career to be difficult all the time, but I also realize that very few things in life are achieved or enjoyed without effort. If we didn’t persevere through the difficulty, we wouldn’t enjoy the personal and professional gains on the other side. For me, the positive aspects of my career have far outweighed the negative.

Mrs. Rich and I want to meet our potential at work as much as possible. It stretches us, makes us grow, opens up new doors of opportunity. We have lived in different places around the country and around the world, and that scratches a special itch for us. We also live the lifestyle we want to live, and we feel lucky to be so lucky. Does that make sense?

ON SPENDING TIME WITH KIDS

One thing you mentioned that I don’t really understand: “And it seems to make more sense to me to Retire Earlier (if that’s what you’re planning on doing anyway) so you can watch your kids grow up ….”

Am I giving the impression that, as a busy professional, I don’t have much time with the kids to watch them grow up?

I can assure you, that’s not the case at all for me and Mrs. Rich. We chose to live close to school so we can walk them to and from every day, and we chose to live close to work so we can be with them rather than sitting in the car commuting. Mrs. R is a Kindergarten room parent, and I’m the soccer coach. There really aren’t many more hours in the day that we could spend with the kids even if we were retired right now.

Of course, we could be with them all day if we were homeschooling or something, which leads me to the education part of your note.

EDUCATION AND ADJUSTING TO UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS

I don’t disagree with much of what you said about education. I’d probably prefer the Finnish way of doing things, or Montessori, or the little preschool we used to send our kids to.

That said, I’m not all doom and gloom about our local public school. It’s not much different from the schools I went to growing up. We were expected to sit down and we had homework and all that. I turned out ok, right?

Ha, don’t answer that.

I like your point about thriving: So, I don’t know, you say you’re boys are struggling in school, but, yeah, they’ll just have to adjust. Don’t you want something better than that? Don’t you want them to thrive?

I was open about the fact that my first, emotional, transitional reaction was to pull the kids right out of the new school and put them somewhere they’d be more comfortable. That’s a natural response for many parents. I also give a nod to the stages of development you highlighted in your post — I don’t feel as strongly as you do, but I see your points.

However, I also wonder, could there be some downside to pulling them out of uncomfortable situations? Conversely, is there some upside to giving them time to adjust to a different way of doing things?

Continue reading “Rich Ruminates On The Benefits Of Being Uncomfortable. Can Imperfect Systems Help Build Resilience And Confidence?”

Penny Explains Her Philosophy On Education. Why Do Little Kids Spend 5 Days A Week In School Prisons Anyway?

Dear Rich,

I’m going to write a bit about my educational philosophy, but first I wanted to address a couple of things from your last post.

You talked a bit about how you can kind of understand why people strive for FIRE. And you set yourself apart from them because you like spending the money that you have, you like being a busy professional, etc. But here’s the thing I don’t understand: You are setting yourself up for Financial Independence and Retiring Early, you’re just doing it a little later than everyone else. Retiring at 55 (which you said you plan to do) is still retiring early.

And it seems to make more sense to me to Retire Earlier (if that’s what you’re planning on doing anyway) so you can watch your kids grow up, rather than later, when you’re using your (still) early retirement to have more time to drink mai tais on the beach. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, to each their own, I’m just stating my opinion.) So, I’m with those FIRE people. They seem to have something figured out.

Now, let’s talk about education. You know I have strong feels about this, and I can understand why your boys are struggling, because schools are really no place for young children, especially young boys. They need to be outside moving their bodies, having adventures, exploring the world.

Here’s my primer into what I feel about the best form of education for certain age groups.

Birth – Age 9

I think that kids at this age should not be in school and should be allowed to explore and learn from the world as they are so inclined. I think they should spend a lot of time outdoors. A lot of time being physical. A lot of time finding and developing and pursuing their own interests. Some people call this Unschooling.

If you think about how babies learn and develop, how they learn to talk, and walk and do things without any formal instruction… you can carry this mentality for older kids too. Kids are always learning, even without formal instruction. My kids even learned to read pretty much on their own, in their own time, without any formal instruction.

This quote by John Taylor Gatto:

“It was never factually true that young people learn to read or do arithmetic primarily by being taught these things. These things are learned, but not really taught at all. Over-teaching interferes with learning, although the few who survive it may well come to imagine it was by an act of teaching.”

Age 9-14

At this age, with my kids, their minds were ready to learn more than I (and the world) were offering them. Fortunately for us, we found a 3 day a week Montessori Homeschool Academy. It was the perfect balance into a more formalized education with the kids going to a place that offered them the resources to learn more. Plus, Montessori doesn’t do homework or tests, so their philosophy matched up pretty well with how I wanted my kids to be educated anyway. Montessori is about teaching the child, not the curriculum. In addition, I like that it is only 3 days a week. That’s enough. Who says a 5 day school week is the ideal anyway? Why is that the norm? Family time should still be a bigger part of the child’s life than school.

I like what G.K. Chesterton has to say about schooling:

“There is a tendency to forget that the school is only a preparation for the home, and not the home a mere jumping off place for the school.”

This summer, my 11 year old was talking to his neighborhood friends, and they were asking him when his prison (by which they meant school) started. He said, “I don’t go to prison. I go to a nice little Montessori school.”

So, my kids like their school. They choose to go, I don’t force them. (I talked about this a bit already in my Paying for College Is Helicopter Parenting post, and I included a good discussion with my son about what he thinks about school and what he wants to get out of it.

Age 14-18

High school. We are still figuring this out. My oldest just started this year.

We picked a private high school that we thought was in line with our educational beliefs. At an open house, when asked about homework, the founder of the school, said, “We have your kids 7 hours a day. That’s enough.” And went on to say that they got around 30-45 minutes a night.

Well, cut to the parent orientation, and we see in our materials to expect 1-2 hours of homework a night. Not exactly what we signed up for.

Plus, it takes my daughter an hour to get to and from school on the city bus, so this full-time school thing is ending up taking a lot more of her time than we had planned for.

But maybe this is the next stage of development for a 14 year old. In his book Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, Gordon Neufeld talks about how during the teenage years, it is developmentally appropriate for kids to become more peer-oriented. (But until then, parents should be the primary influence, and it is often the other way around, especially with the way schools are structured.) So, I don’t know. She’s going to graduate in four years and maybe this is the beginning of her structuring her life differently. We’ll see how it goes. If it’s not working out for us, we’ll try something else.

Continue reading “Penny Explains Her Philosophy On Education. Why Do Little Kids Spend 5 Days A Week In School Prisons Anyway?”

Rich Examines Moving Expenses, Minimalism vs. Serial Killers, His Cat’s Shopping Habits, Modern Living, and The FIRE Desire

Dear Penny,

I thought it’d be interesting to compare our actual moving expenses with our estimated moving expenses. And I believe this will lead into a rant about modern living, early retirement, and education. We’ll see.

Let’s take a peak out the window of our new situation.

Is this home?

Before we moved, I estimated $30,000 in expenses. The big expense was our car, because now we need 2 cars as modern dual income working professionals. We also needed a bunch of furniture because all we owned was a couch, a bed, and an old dresser.

Well, the numbers are in — gaze upon them and be astounded:

Click on image to enlarge.

I’m not sure what’s astounding about this, I just wanted a dramatic transition.

Mrs. Rich told me my estimates were too low, and she was right. That said, I was expecting it to be worse. Every time we leave the house we spend a few hundred dollars on something. I’m not complaining at all — we knew we’d spend a lot getting a car and getting our apartment set up. $6,000 isn’t nothing, but I’m not going to lose sleep over it. I decided long ago I don’t want to lose sleep over money. 

Here are some observations about minimalism vs. frugality, modern professional living, and FIRE (financial independence / early retirement).

MINIMALISM VS. FRUGALITY

The personal finance blogosphere has already noted this apparent paradox, that minimalism (desiring fewer possessions) is often at odds with frugality (desiring inexpensive possessions). I think we’re a good example of this.

I was telling someone about the furniture we needed, and they commented, “You could find a lot of that on Craigslist.” I can’t remember what I said, but I was thinking, “Do people still buy second-hand merchandise from would be serial killers?”

But seriously, the Rich family doesn’t use Craigslist. Mrs. Rich and I agree that we don’t really want a cheap find; we want a quality piece of furniture that we enjoy and would like to keep. That’s minimalism vs. frugality. So when you look at the line items like Rug, Dressers, End Tables — that’s what you’re seeing.

Even the cat is getting into the act, showing an interest in Crate And Barrel!

Do not give this animal a credit card.

MODERN PROFESSIONAL LIVING

I would describe us as modern professionals. We’ve got the dual careers, the dual cars, the school activities, and the Vitamix. This is what we want. But in the midst of this tumultuous transition, I need to say something: I understand.

I understand the desire for simplicity — something you, Penny, have expressed over and over in one way or another. My life right now isn’t difficult, but it isn’t simple either. And this is mostly by choice, and the consequence of a life where one moves around.

We’re busy, juggling school related activities and work related activities. On top of it all, I volunteered to coach Kindergarten soccer. What was I thinking? Yet another activity.

Most of our stuff is still on a boat, so we’re eating take out on paper plates. At night we’re exhausted. It won’t last forever, but it’s been quite week. Or two.

I understand your mixed feelings about education in America. We went from a small cozy international preschool to a huge chaotic urban elementary school. Our boys, so far, don’t like it very much. All the rules, regulations, and impersonal interactions … I understand why you can’t stand it. Part of me wanted to pull them out after the second day, drop everything, and move to Finland.

THE FIRE DESIRE

I understand why people strive for FIRE — Financial Independence and Early Retirement.

Continue reading “Rich Examines Moving Expenses, Minimalism vs. Serial Killers, His Cat’s Shopping Habits, Modern Living, and The FIRE Desire”

Monthly Happiness Report: Penny Is Generally Happy. Is That Boring? — August 2017

Dear Rich,

Well, between me being on my technology-free(ish) summer and you being on vacation, we’re not getting much blog writing done. But we’re both happy, so that’s a good thing!

Speaking of which, I was wondering about our happiness ratings. Seems to me that you’re always rating things high, even though certain areas might have their challenges. Like you gave your health a perfect 5 last month, even though: “Mentally / spiritually, not a perfect month but I think I’m developing better tools to deal with my flaws.” And the month before you gave your family relationships a perfect 5, even though, as you said about you’re high energy boys and summer camp: “So, we’ve been anxious. And you know what? They’ve been absolutely normal — their normal, high energy, difficult selves. For a few days, it impacted my happiness.”

Now, that is perfectly fine and everything, given your wider view of what happiness is and all, but don’t you think that makes this rating system a little bit meaningless? And my ratings aren’t much better. After a rough start to the year, I’ve settled into my normal setting of happiness. Again, this month, it is a 4.5 out of 5 smiley faces.

Our rating system is getting a bit boring and routine, don’t you think?

I’ve still been enjoying my limited technology summer. But don’t worry, I’ll be back on technology more and posting more in September. Plus, I do have programs that I’ll want to stream (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Supernatural).

Continue reading “Monthly Happiness Report: Penny Is Generally Happy. Is That Boring? — August 2017”

Monthly Happiness Report: Rich Is Not Crabby, He’s Back In The USA At The Beach. And There’s A Beef Jerky Outlet. — August 2017

This guy is crabby. Unlike me.

Dear Penny,

We just got back to the US a few days ago and it was a loooonngg journey, but I’m not crabby. Happiness levels steady. Elevated, even. And here’s why.

We are currently in the Outer Banks (OBX) of North Carolina, one of our favorite places on the East Coast. We rented a house by the beach to make our transition back to the States as easy as possible. It’s a big change for our family. And what better way to recover from jet lag than a couple weeks at the beach?

And jet lag there was. We had an 11 hour flight followed by a 1 hour flight followed by a 3 hour drive followed by 7 hours of waiting for the beach house to be ready. 5 suitcases, 5 carry-ons, 2 car seats, and 2 little jet lagged kids.

Totally worth it. Check out this view.

Worth the journey.

Oh yeah, about that crab in the picture. At OBX, there are ghost crabs that come out of the sand at night, near the water. So we wait until it gets dark, take some flashlights, and search for them. More accurately, we chase them around and taunt them as only a family with twin boys can. Last night there were hundreds of crabs, including the unlucky fella at the top of this post.

EXPAT CULTURE SHOCK AND GRATITUDE

A few observations on setting foot in the US for the first time in 2 years, and then I’ll get to my happiness numbers.

The people are nice. Maybe it’s a matter of being down South, but US Americans have been nice and friendly, lots of smiles and waves.

The food is plentiful … and often unhealthy. Compared to where we were living, the US has billions of food choices, whether at the grocery store or restaurants. I’m all for the ability to make individual choices, but there’s no denying that the ability to choose wisely is impacted by availability. On the way to the salad aisle, there are hundreds of quicker, easier, tastier, unhealthier options. That said, I’m proud of my kids — 5 year old boys, mind you — for actually requesting salad for dinner tonight. (We kinda brainwashed them by telling them about Super Size Me. They’re extremely frightened of fast food.)

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The first store I shopped at. If this isn’t America at its most American, I don’t know what is. Beef Jerky has an outlet store??? Oh yes. C’mon, nobody pays retail for jerky anymore.

Consumerism is omnipresent. Along with food, I’ve noticed the sheer availability of consumer products, services, and activities. Again, not bad from the perspective of free choice, but with consequences. We were living overseas in a place that put a premium on public playgrounds. Here, the ratio of playgrounds to stores is much more sparse. Of course, the beach is a huge playground I guess.

The familiar feels new and exciting. We love to travel, and we will continue to explore new areas even back here in the US. This is our first time staying in the southern OBX, and we visited Ocracoke Island, accessible only via ferry boat or small airplane. We took the ferry. Fun trip, beautiful scenery. Very grateful for these opportunities and experiences.

HAPPINESS, BY THE NUMBERS

As is my custom, it’s time for the happiness numbers and some highlights from each category. For new readers, here’s my methodology, explained in more detail in the following posts:

Continue reading “Monthly Happiness Report: Rich Is Not Crabby, He’s Back In The USA At The Beach. And There’s A Beef Jerky Outlet. — August 2017”

MOVING DAY! Quick Thoughts About Living Overseas And Money And Happiness.

Dear Penny,

I have a lot I’d like to write but very little time, because tomorrow we head back to the US after living overseas for 2 years! More complicated topics will need to wait. But, I wanted to share some quick money and happiness lessons I’ve learned from our time here. In no particular order.

Perspective Is Valuable

Living in a foreign country has helped me appreciate the US, and it’s also given me some perspective on how to think about … anything and everything. What I mean is this: take any given question about life or money or happiness or whatever. And then imagine you grew up in a completely different socioeconomic culture.

Question: “What should I think about work and investing and retirement?”

Answer, from the perspective of …

… a personal finance blogger: “Invest only in Vanguard index funds. The market always goes up. Retire early.”

… a poor person in an urban slum: “I would give anything to have a good job.”

… a rice farmer in China: “Watch out for that water buffalo.”

… a French ski instructor: “Work to live, don’t live to work.”

… Penny: “Get off your computer and stop thinking about retirement so much.” 🙂

… a father of twin boys: “Hey — how’d you get on top of the house?”

It’s easy to get caught up in the particular circumstances of life. I like to remember that by sheer chance I was born into my culture and my family, and life would look a lot different otherwise. I try to make smart choices but I also know that for most decisions, there’s more than one right answer. If a certain answer sounds silly from several other perspectives, well then that certain answer might be silly. Or not as important as we think.

I Don’t Regret Any Spending On Travel Or Experiences. Life Is For Living.

We visited 7 or 8 countries while living overseas, ate a bunch of crazy food, saw some incredible sites, and enjoyed temper tantrums and ill-timed bathroom visits with kids in several European capitals.

(European in the bathroom. Get it?)

As you know, we’ve paid big money for these experiences. I wouldn’t want a dollar (or a Euro) back. Life is short. Life is mostly for living, isn’t it? I guess I’m like the French ski instructor sometimes.

Continue reading “MOVING DAY! Quick Thoughts About Living Overseas And Money And Happiness.”

Penny On Fame And Shame — A Response To Critics Of Her Notorious Guest Post

So easy to comment, so difficult to be civil.

Dear Rich (and our readers),

As you know, I had a guest post on the Making Sense of Cents blog and it was met with quite a few mean-spirited comments.

Now I know how it feels to be publicly shamed, I guess.

I can’t say I wasn’t anticipating a bit of pushback from the article, that was to be expected. But the amount of vitriol behind some of the comments was kind of hurtful and surprising. A got a personal note from Michelle from the blog and she said: Thank you for responding to comments on the article. Some of them are not the kindest – which is not the norm for Making Sense of Cents readers. Sorry that you are experiencing that.

But alas, what can you do? Such is the nature of the internet.

The comments bothered me at first, but then the next day, I continued on with my technology fast, and got over it pretty quickly. When I checked back in on the comments several days later, there were several more hurtful comments, but by that time, it didn’t bother me that much. It was like, once I’d read one, I’d read them all, because they were all saying pretty much the same thing.

Thank you for all your help with the comments, by the way. You do a good job of addressing people fairly and kindly. I liked what you had to write.

Related Post: Monthly Happiness Report: Rich Makes Sense Of Internet Commentary, His Cousin’s Controversy, And The Good Life –July 2017

So, anyway, because of all this, I want to break protocol for a moment and instead of addressing this post just to you, Rich, I would like to break through the fourth wall and directly address our readers and comment some of the issues that the Making Sense commenters had with me and the choices I’ve made. Because, if I’m making these choices, I might as well be able to stand behind them and defend them, right?

That’s kind of the point of this whole blog, isn’t it?

Let’s start here.

Here is are two actual comments that pretty much sum up what a dozen other commenters were saying:

WOW! JUST WOW! It’s one thing to do all of this but totally another to BRAG ABOUT STEALING FROM THE GOVT. I guess there is a first for everything and this is the first time I have seen someone with balls big enough to brag about ripping the govt. off in writing. THIS is why people do without because people like Penny “steal” and there isn’t enough for others who NEED IT.

and

I am very liberal and support the existence of social programs for people in need. But this is disgraceful – you don’t have “need.” Read what I am writing: you don’t have need, you have “want” and are gaming the system so that other people are paying for it. Other people’s tax dollars are funding your food stamps and earned income credit, while you deliberately under-earn and use the earnings of others to pay loans you voluntarily incurred, rightfully owe, and will reap the rewards of as your husband’s practice grows. Shame on you.

First of all, I think a lot of the commenters were mistaking my unbridled honesty for pride. Nobody is proud to be on food support. If anything, it is the opposite. It takes a bit of humility to accept that is offered.

I don’t think I’m stealing from anybody or lying about anything. As you’ve seen here, I’m honest almost to a fault. I mean, I’m laying out my monthly expenditures for everyone to see and critique, line by line.

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As far as taking money from other people who really need it… here’s the thing: If my family, at our income level, is getting this kind of support, this means that other families are getting support too! Isn’t that a good thing? Just because we’re getting support doesn’t mean that we’re taking it from others who need it. We’re ALL getting help! Yeah!

Secondly, I don’t find anything ethically wrong with accepting benefits that I legally qualify for. As Rich pointed out in his response to one of the comments:

This idea that Penny should voluntarily give up assistance that she qualifies for, because some people think it’s unfair, is misleading. How many people out there qualify for tax breaks, refunds, mortgage interest deductions? Is anyone sending that money back to the Treasury because they don’t really need it? Should we all reject our standard deduction, because, well, we can afford a computer, so it would be immoral to accept the tax system the way it is? I don’t think so. The tax benefits that one qualifies for and how one spends their money are two quite different matters.

Continue reading “Penny On Fame And Shame — A Response To Critics Of Her Notorious Guest Post”

Monthly Happiness Report: Rich Makes Sense Of Internet Commentary, His Cousin’s Controversy, And The Good Life –July 2017

Hey Penny,

Glad to see your technology hiatus is continuing to reward you with happiness. I’d like to hear more of your thoughts about the Amusing Ourselves To Death book, when you have time. 

I think modern technology is mostly AMAZING — after all, I just received a new iPhone from T-mobile that I can use to text for free internationally! But I also know technology can suck away your time and your life if you don’t follow the 4 Commandments.

MAKING SENSE OF INTERNET COMMENTARY

You wrote your happiness report before July 14th (also French independence day, as it were), and I’m wondering how that day impacted your happiness level. It was the day your guest post aired on the widely read Making Sense Of Cents blog. You detailed your journey, which you’ve done before on this blog: in your origin story as well as in your posts on giving to charity and receiving food support. The Making Sense article was an amalgamation.

Some of the comments were nice and some were … well … pas sympathique. Not nice.

Mon dieu. I enjoy interacting with comments most of the time, but I don’t think anyone would say that the internet comment sections are a shining example of technology benefiting humanity.

I was thinking about why some commenters were unhappy with your article. Here are the two main charges, simplified:

  1. They think it’s unfair that you receive government assistance, based on how you are spending your money.
  2. They don’t like the way that you think about it: Thoreau and the Art of Asking and all that. 

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MAKING SENSE OF MY DEFENSE OF MY COUSIN’S CONTROVERSIAL BLOG POST

We’re not hillbillies, but we are cousins! Click on image to view this awesome book on Amazon.

I find it funny that some commenters questioned me for defending you. Was I supposed to turn on my own cousin?? I felt like Mamaw in Hillbilly Elegy, ready to start kicking butt!

Here were my basic responses to their unhappiness.

Response to Charge #1: People get riled up about taxes. As you know, I pay LOADS of taxes. And the idea is that we want our tax money to go to exactly what we think are the highest priorities and best programs. When they see that you, Penny, receive government money, well then there’s anger. Unfair! You’re a regular ol’ blogger! You need to spend less and work harder!

Now I’m not an expert on taxes, but I can comfortably say that food assistance is not the big national tax scandal to be worried about. It’s peanuts (perhaps literally!) compared to the national debt and other such obligations that have little social benefit.

The fact is that you receive food support because you qualify for food support. We can argue about the system and how fair it is, but it makes no sense for you to turn down this support. It’s for food, and it’s completely separate from how you spend the rest of your money. It wouldn’t do an ounce of good to anyone for you to turn it down, which you’ve said you’re eager to do as your income grows.

People don’t normally consider the idea of rejecting government benefits when they do their own taxes. I’d venture that most people who receive the standard deduction are not refusing their refund checks for the good of the system, because they can afford to. I’d love to hear from someone who has done this.

As for how you spend your money …

This part is ironic for me to defend because, as you know, we don’t agree on how to spend money at all. You’re way TOO FRUGAL and TOO GENEROUS! One of your biggest line items every month is charity! Also, you are paying back your student loans at a ridiculously fast rate considering your income.

So, I wasn’t actually trying to defend every specific choice. Mostly I defended you because the attacks got personal, which leads me to the second complaint from commenters.

Response to Charge #2: People want you to think and feel differently about receiving food support.

You wrote that at first you felt embarrassed about receiving food support. And then you talked about how your outlook has changed, how you want people to understand this process, and how in the future you’d like to give more and take less.

This is just my observation, but I don’t think some people want you to come to terms with receiving support. They would like you to keep feeling embarrassed for as long as it takes to support yourself. They want you to feel a certain way.

This, I thought, was rather unfair. People’s feelings are complex, and as we’ve discussed a lot on this blog, there isn’t a straight line between money and feelings.

I’ve experienced this in reverse as a high income earner in an age of income inequality. A RICH GUY! HOARDING THE AMERICAN DREAM! Based on my income, some would say I should continually feel lucky, grateful, and humble, or else I’m just a greedy materialistic a-hole.

This is just not how people work. We don’t have static emotions based on our income levels. Some days I feel incredibly lucky — I love my job and I’m healthy. Some days I’m irritated about traffic or annoying errands. Other days I’m overjoyed because I’m going on vacation. And this week I’ve been anxious about my kids’ behavior at summer camp.

The fact is, I don’t walk around thinking, “Wow, I’m so grateful to be earning six figures, I guess I shouldn’t worry about my boys starting a fight with other kids at camp.” Life doesn’t work that way.

MAKING SENSE OF KIDS, HAPPINESS, AND THE GOOD LIFE

All of this made me consider my happiness level for the past month. Initially I thought I’d rate it low, like 3.5 smileys out of 5, which is not good for me. The main reason: It’s summer camp season.

My twin boys are high energy. That’s an understatement. They make other high energy kids seem mild mannered. As twins, they don’t take many breaks because they always have a willing partner to egg them on. They run around and talk and yell and laugh and fight and play from 6am to 8pm every single day. Their favorite game, besides Uno, is to be chased. That’s the game — we chase them. There’s my cardio regimen right there.

Continue reading “Monthly Happiness Report: Rich Makes Sense Of Internet Commentary, His Cousin’s Controversy, And The Good Life –July 2017”

Monthly Happiness Report: Penny Doesn’t Amuse Herself To Death in July 2017

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Dear Rich,

Hello, again! I’m back online for today, and I have to tell you, I haven’t missed being online one bit. Granted, it’s only been 8 days, but not engaging with technology for those 8 days (aside from some essential and semi-essential text messages) has opened up spaces in my mind I never knew existed. It feels so freeing.

Catching back up online for the day has been a bit of a pain. I had 60 emails to sort through. In what would have taken minutes spread out over several days, has taken a chunk of time today.

Throughout the week, I had been keeping a list of things that I would need to check online when I got back to it (Sleep Styler tips, driving directions to various places, GoodReads, etc) and that took some time too, but overall I liked doing that better than checking the internet and using the computer everyday.

It created computer use with intention, rather than just random usage.

However, this week of limited technology did end up costing me $1.80. See, I usually get updates about when my library books are coming due through email. Since I didn’t check email, I didn’t realize that I had a library book that was overdue. It accrued fines, 30 cents a day, for 6 days. Oh, well, I guess that was the price I had to pay for this.

Click image to view book on Amazon

During the week I read this book called Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman, which was basically about numbing ourselves through TV. It was written 30 years ago, but couldn’t be more relevant today. I loved it.

So, all of that being said, my happiness rating for this month is:

Continue reading “Monthly Happiness Report: Penny Doesn’t Amuse Herself To Death in July 2017”